Ignore this, it is after all nothing but the insipid drone of a stupid girl.
It is not fair you know.
Why do you have to be the one?
The one that makes me happy beyond measure.
The one who makes every challenge life throws at me feel surmountable.
The one that never fails to make me smile.
Why are you also the one that doesn't want me.
Can you not see how terribly much i love you.
You should choose me, pick me.
Love me too.
Because no one will love you the way i do, as much as i do.
Why is whatever we have not enough.
You say you love me.
You say you care about me a lot.
With you it is always a continuum of non- stop conflict.
Confusing actions, reassuring words.
But broken promises and a never- ending wait game.
I really wish i could just function normally.
I could give up, just give up on you, on us.
But it is so hard, it always feels like i can't.
That even with my utmost efforts, there is no contentment and happiness.
Non that is ever close to how i feel when i am with you.
So could you, would you?
There is so much i cannot say.
Much i am not allowing myself to tell you.
But, maybe just this.
Happy Birthday my dear.
I would never forget.
It is still you.
I miss you.
Gosh, I miss you so damn much.
I don't write much anymore.
But I still spend too much time thinking of you.
You are the shadow I cannot shake off.
And I miss you so, it's embarrassing really.
I tell myself ever so often, you can do this, you will let go.
Just let go.
But that gut wrenching feeling while trying to walk away.
It impedes me.
Right where you left me.
Where you promised not to leave.
Where I believed you.
And where I watch your back recede into the distance.
Perhaps I will always love you.
And maybe that could be ok.
My heart could grow a little bigger, loving more than you.
And you will stay in that spot, shaped just for you.
Call me at 4 in the morning.
Look me up when no one would come.
Where you are in your darkest place, no one know about.
I'll come for you, always.
You are the very reminder of what loss means.
Life's lesson on pain.
And you will define for me what love is.
For I love you.
And lost you.
And now I still do.
You are still not here.
It was never me pushing.
It's always you leaving me alone.
Why didn't you just let me go?
Why set me up for disappointment again?
And I thought to myself.
There you are,
a brand new dream.
A breath of fresh air.
But you're nothing but uncertainties and pain.
Wrapped up in different packing.
I have such stupid dreams.
And I always wake up,
with the stupidest one branded into my mind.
I have a tendency to fixate.
I really really hate that about me.
It's going to drive me insane.
Feeling all warm, fuzzy and happy.
Than that ice cold shower of reality.
Day in and day out.
I keep telling myself I just have to bear with it till the end of the month.
But it's so hard
My mind is racing all the time.
I need to stop fixating.
When will I ever learn?