I miss you.
Gosh, I miss you so damn much.
I don't write much anymore.
But I still spend too much time thinking of you.
You are the shadow I cannot shake off.
And I miss you so, it's embarrassing really.
I tell myself ever so often, you can do this, you will let go.
Just let go.
But that gut wrenching feeling while trying to walk away.
It impedes me.
Right where you left me.
Where you promised not to leave.
Where I believed you.
And where I watch your back recede into the distance.
Perhaps I will always love you.
And maybe that could be ok.
My heart could grow a little bigger, loving more than you.
And you will stay in that spot, shaped just for you.
Call me at 4 in the morning.
Look me up when no one would come.
Where you are in your darkest place, no one know about.
I'll come for you, always.
You are the very reminder of what loss means.
Life's lesson on pain.
And you will define for me what love is.
For I love you.
And lost you.
And now I still do.
You are still not here.
It was never me pushing.
It's always you leaving me alone.
Why didn't you just let me go?
Why set me up for disappointment again?
And I thought to myself.
There you are,
a brand new dream.
A breath of fresh air.
But you're nothing but uncertainties and pain.
Wrapped up in different packing.
I have such stupid dreams.
And I always wake up,
with the stupidest one branded into my mind.
I have a tendency to fixate.
I really really hate that about me.
It's going to drive me insane.
Feeling all warm, fuzzy and happy.
Than that ice cold shower of reality.
Day in and day out.
I keep telling myself I just have to bear with it till the end of the month.
But it's so hard
My mind is racing all the time.
I need to stop fixating.
When will I ever learn?
I find myself wondering if there is something wrong with me.
Why can't i seem to find my someone?
Why does love seem to slip my grasp over and over?
Am i that unattractive?
What is wrong with me?
Such mundane, silly frivolous thoughts.
But it's not just about getting into a relationship.
Its also friendship, feels like i have so few that i can count on.
I always feel so lonely.
I always feel lost at who i can turn to.
Its been kinda awful.
Am i that much of a turn off.
I've changed in many ways i myself cannot stand.
I feel so trapped.
Its like i want so much to be happy in all that various ways.
But i am held back by how afraid i am of people and the inevitable disappointments.
Its an arduously tedious journey, living life like this.
So desperate and depress,
so empty and exhausted all the time.
I recently told a friend I felt depress.
She tried lightening it up, and turned it into a joke.
I'll admit she was successful in making me laugh.
She than proceed to say," there, you're happy now."
My laughter died off and without missing a beat,
I blurted out, "my happiness is nothing but a farce"
You can imagine that awkward silence after that little confession.
And I really do marvel at how well I do it now.
I can put on that same mask everyday,
to work, to hang out with friends, to spend time with family.
I can fake it in conversations, speeches, hellos and goodbyes.
I fool even me.
Realistically speaking, I do feel happy on and off.
It's just so transient.
i feel sad more often then i feel happy.
I spend all day surrounded by people.
Smiling, laughing and jovial.
But i always end my day feeling so alone.
There is just no one to talk to.
Nobody wants to listen to the same old sob story.
Even i am sick of telling the same old tale.
Doesn't mean i don't feel it.
Doesn't mean i don't dread that walk home to a lonely end.
I hate this, and it kind of scares me, how often this bleak thought crosses my mind.
That i would be better off dead, than living this tragic existence.