I never like romantic series.
Give me murder, mysteries and medicine any day.
Stupid show that I got peer pressured into watching.
How annoying.
I haven't had such thought in a long time.
Everyone thinks its so romantic, how he keeps coming for her.
But he has a fiance, and circumstances are so extreme, there is no way to be together.
If you ask me, it is just cruel.
Because every goodbye hurts.
Especially when you have to keep guessing, is this really my final goodbye.
That every time you feel so content and happy you might burst will be your last.
It is awful.
You should have just let her go right from the very start.
The heroine is kinda cool, she has great "like a boss" attitude and she keeps getting back up on her own two feet again and again.
More successful than before.
But she said this line, on how when she gets her end of life reel.
You know that belief some of us have, that the very best moments of your life will flash by before you die.
She said that they will all just be memories with him, the love she cannot have.
And it got me scared again,
What if that is it for me too, and at the end of the road your face appears.
And i keep having to see how happy i was.
I'm trying to move forward, and i just got happy.
Like really easily happy in a world without you.
But such thoughts still come.
On occasion, you still permeate the air.
Like the flowery scent of spring floating in with the breeze.
It brings a smile.
Sometimes i still miss you, and how i feel when you're right there holding me in your arms.
It felt like home.
I wish i could still go home.
There are people who love me
At least i think there are.
Some care but are not there.
And some try, i think.
But it feels like there is an ocean between us.
That to reach anyone, i'll have to brave the waves to reach your shores.
And i am so tired, so, so damn tired.
I can barely make it anywhere except the ones nearest to me.
The ones who make that effort.
But it is tiring for you too, no?
I can understand, but i can't work.
Its the exhaustion, or maybe the fear.
But i just keep giving up.
I have lesser and lesser people which each passing day.
It is like i have all this wounds, raw and open,
I feel like an exposed nerve, no protection.
Every tiny little thing is a trigger.
Sending waves of pain, nociception if i want to get fancy
And i am just so drained from keeping it together.
Waking up is a struggle, falling asleep is hard.
There is no serenity, i find no peace.
Who is my person?
I need my person.
Ignore this, it is after all nothing but the insipid drone of a stupid girl.
It is not fair you know.
Why do you have to be the one?
The one that makes me happy beyond measure.
The one who makes every challenge life throws at me feel surmountable.
The one that never fails to make me smile.
Why are you also the one that doesn't want me.
Can you not see how terribly much i love you.
You should choose me, pick me.
Love me too.
Because no one will love you the way i do, as much as i do.
Why is whatever we have not enough.
You say you love me.
You say you care about me a lot.
Than why?
With you it is always a continuum of non- stop conflict.
Confusing actions, reassuring words.
But broken promises and a never- ending wait game.
I really wish i could just function normally.
I could give up, just give up on you, on us.
But it is so hard, it always feels like i can't.
That even with my utmost efforts, there is no contentment and happiness.
Non that is ever close to how i feel when i am with you.
So could you, would you?
Choose me.
There is so much i cannot say.
Much i am not allowing myself to tell you.
But, maybe just this.
Happy Birthday my dear.
I would never forget.
It is still you.
I miss you.
Gosh, I miss you so damn much.
I don't write much anymore.
But I still spend too much time thinking of you.
You are the shadow I cannot shake off.
And I miss you so, it's embarrassing really.
I tell myself ever so often, you can do this, you will let go.
Just let go.
But that gut wrenching feeling while trying to walk away.
It impedes me.
I stay.
Right where you left me.
Where you promised not to leave.
Where I believed you.
And where I watch your back recede into the distance.
Perhaps I will always love you.
And maybe that could be ok.
My heart could grow a little bigger, loving more than you.
And you will stay in that spot, shaped just for you.
Call me at 4 in the morning.
Look me up when no one would come.
Where you are in your darkest place, no one know about.
I'll come for you, always.
You are the very reminder of what loss means.
Life's lesson on pain.
And you will define for me what love is.
For I love you.
And lost you.
And now I still do.
Liar.
You are still not here.
It was never me pushing.
It's always you leaving me alone.
Why didn't you just let me go?
Why set me up for disappointment again?