I have a tendency to fixate.
I really really hate that about me.
It's going to drive me insane.
Feeling all warm, fuzzy and happy.
Than that ice cold shower of reality.
Day in and day out.
I keep telling myself I just have to bear with it till the end of the month.
But it's so hard
My mind is racing all the time.
I need to stop fixating.
When will I ever learn?
I find myself wondering if there is something wrong with me.
Why can't i seem to find my someone?
Why does love seem to slip my grasp over and over?
Am i that unattractive?
What is wrong with me?
Such mundane, silly frivolous thoughts.
But it's not just about getting into a relationship.
Its also friendship, feels like i have so few that i can count on.
I always feel so lonely.
I always feel lost at who i can turn to.
Its been kinda awful.
Am i that much of a turn off.
Its possible.
I've changed in many ways i myself cannot stand.
I feel so trapped.
Its like i want so much to be happy in all that various ways.
But i am held back by how afraid i am of people and the inevitable disappointments.
Its an arduously tedious journey, living life like this.
So desperate and depress,
so empty and exhausted all the time.
I recently told a friend I felt depress.
She tried lightening it up, and turned it into a joke.
I'll admit she was successful in making me laugh.
She than proceed to say," there, you're happy now."
My laughter died off and without missing a beat,
I blurted out, "my happiness is nothing but a farce"
You can imagine that awkward silence after that little confession.
And I really do marvel at how well I do it now.
I can put on that same mask everyday,
to work, to hang out with friends, to spend time with family.
I can fake it in conversations, speeches, hellos and goodbyes.
I fool even me.
Realistically speaking, I do feel happy on and off.
It's just so transient.
i feel sad more often then i feel happy.
I spend all day surrounded by people.
Smiling, laughing and jovial.
But i always end my day feeling so alone.
So despondent.
There is just no one to talk to.
Nobody wants to listen to the same old sob story.
Even i am sick of telling the same old tale.
But,
Doesn't mean i don't feel it.
Doesn't mean i don't dread that walk home to a lonely end.
I hate this, and it kind of scares me, how often this bleak thought crosses my mind.
That i would be better off dead, than living this tragic existence.