I'm having a bad day.
Days like this hit hard and fast.
Often preceded by happy calm days,
deluding me to believe I am better.
Nostalgia often comes like the wave of nausea from drinking too much.
And everything starts bursting forth.
Today there's so much that I miss.
Not just you, but so much of a life gone and pass.
I miss the innocence my best friend and I had.
Before losing it to the pain only love and heartbreak could bring.
I miss the days when my biggest worry is if KF will meet me to walk to school together.
I miss the time when conversations with my siblings revolved around the silliness our parents exhibit.
And I miss me.
My want to help and sacrifice without a second thought.
Before I learnt how to be more manipulative and calculating.
When empathizing was second nature.
When getting high, happy and content was easy as 1, 2, 3.
And most of all I miss you.
The time we get to spend together.
I miss the conversations.
Laughing, talking, eating.
Smiling in contemplative silent.
I wish I didn't.
Sometimes I fear that I may have dreamt you up.
Because memories of you get brought forward and push back so much.
They start to blur between reality and fantasy.
When faced with a wall of silence,
built by a happiness I could not give.
What is a girl to do?
.