Another dream, another nightmare.
It's astounding how many scenarios the mind can paint over one subject.
But every night as I lay my head down and let sleep takeover.
I sought the place where what I miss the most will materialize.
Be it good or bad.
I can't help but wake up feeling a little sad.
Last night i had one of the best dreams yet.
So familiar, perhaps it was a memory.
We were talking, smiling and laughing.
We sat simply side by side.
A light kiss on the lips.
You held my hand as you had once did.
It was the closest to perfection.
I miss you.
So to describe what you've come to mean to me.
I think I've stumbled upon the best one.
To me you're like the sun to my little world.
With you everything was warm and bright.
Everything shined and thrived.
You brought me the most incandescent of smiles.
But you left, and a dark grey settled in.
The colors they faded to a dull.
I lived on, after all, we as man could live without the sun to some extent.
But it was a damaged type of life.
The love of others sustain me.
Their encouragement serves to support me.
But there is still this hole, in the shape of your lovely silhouette.
And no one person or thing could fill it.
No matter how hard I tried to pretend it is all ok.
I know it isn't.
I see the weariness in their eyes.
The ugly red burns on their hands.
There is after all only so long you can pull a sinking ship.
Before the rope burns forces you to let go.
So I keep sinking in my own self- indulgent depression.
And every thought and memory of you crashed upon me like the waves in a storm.
And I feel like I'm drowning.
With the whole world upside down.
Topsy turvy.
Disoriented, I try so hard to fight my way up the the surface.
But the waves keep coming.
You're inescapable.
To be the exception.
That was your last request.
Had you known all along you would be the one?
The only one who made my heart beat slower and faster.
The only one who made me wish my heart would stop beating the moment you left.
The only one who let me touched the stars and lie on the clouds.
The only one who brought me down harder and faster than a crashing meteor.
You had me so high, it is no wonder the fall was so traumatic.
And now I am as jaded as they come.
A walking tragedy, straight out of a cliche story.
To me you were worth millions, but you've left me so broke.
So broken.
I yearn to feel once again that simple happiness and content so complete.
It had come with burying my face in the crook of your neck.
Your arms around me.
As I watch the rise and fall of your chest, and heard the beats of your heart.
I thought to myself.
This is my forever.
So universe, I plead, beg and grovel at you.
You know my hearts desperate wants.
Won't you start the hands of fate and begin all the conspiring.
For all the heart felt words and well- spun paragraphs.
They all circle back to one thing.
My own greatest, most selfish desire.
You,
I just want to be with you.
"When you're gone my life hurts like hell,
but I’ll do anything to make you happy.
Even if it means setting you free to be with someone else."
-Andrea Gibson
How real can true love be if it was something you could vanquish if you "tried" hard enough?
How sad is that?
Move on, just forget him.
You'll find someone better.
What is better?
Am i wrong to feel this way about him?
Why do people say he is not worth it?
Is love honestly meant only for those who love us too?
Than how true is that?
When did it come to such a state, where love should be snipped in the bud if it isn't reciprocal.
Its too easy to love someone who loves you.
Loving someone who does't, now that is a whole different ball game.
A league of its own.
I find it a good indicator of how true one is.
How "real" that love is.
There is no real logic behind in.
I love you like the happy endings in movies.
Everyday.
I'll smile at our memories.
I'll ache from missing you.
You can have me at your side at the drop of a hat.
When all else fails, i'll still chose you.
Its bias and selfish.
And probably juvenile and stupid in the eyes of many.
But despite that, its true and honest.
So fault me, judge me, crucify me.
in the end i still do.
When it comes to you i care.
I give a fuck.
I really miss you.
There is always an infinite depth to a person.
You can never know enough.
We're such volatile and fickle beings.
Even if you think you know them now,
there is always more to discover tomorrow.
Change being the only constant.
But as it is, i believe in you.
You will have everything you want.
And i know you'll make in.
And i hope we make that dinner when you do.
I have unlearn somethings about myself recently.
I've come to terms with how much you changed me.
We all have our exceptions.
And I thinks it's time i take some form of hiatus.
Seems like this digital diary of mine is not as innocuous as I had thought.
I've had a tough time coping.
Because I can't let go but yet I can't fight to keep you.
And not being able to make a choice and work from there just left me hanging.
Hanging and perhaps falling.
You know that feeling I've so often described.
Like watching your own life pan out from the outside.
I admit that all this is my fault because I just couldn't give up on you.
And that's not how i usually work.
I've always been the moving on type.
The fuck them of they don't know how to cherish you type.
Where if you gave up in me, I'll walk away to find myself independent of you.
I played that very well.
But like I said, you found your way into becoming my exception.
My 'fight or flight' response has been on overdrive.
This so called "change" in me has trigger something very inherent.
This change was "unacceptable" to my mind.
And tittering between fight or flee has drained me to the end of my tether.
I think I'll like to just disappear for awhile.
I don't want to stay depress.
My own thoughts and grieve is starting to scare me.
My own behavior has started to appall even me.
So it's time for that arduous toil.
I have to believe I can do this.
This downward spiral has to end.
I have to cope.
It's either do or die.
And I have too much going for me to die.
In truth I am tired of living.
I have contemplated some shameful tragic thoughts.
But perhaps this is my turnaround.
My escape from the labyrinth.
My fresh beginning to search for that feeling of being infinite.
Please accept my apologies for using so many cheesy book quotes.
But their words seem to fit like a charm.
I miss being the happier person I was.
So I guess in many ways I've failed.
And I've been hiding.
Terrified of participating in love, in life.
On the one hand i am ashamed at how far i let myself fall.
And even more than that, i am scared.
Petrified.
That if i am happy again than i stand the chance of losing all that.
The way it felt to lose you.
I'll rather be numb, stay alone.
But it is definitely time to change.
Let reality hit me like soap in my eyes,
like acid burning on raw skin.
May it hurt enough to wake me up.
Its time to be brave and try.
Try or die.
And that is quite literal here.
So wish me luck.
And to all of you who care.
Thank you.
Please don't give up and keep walking with me.
I promise to stop pushing everyone away.
And try.
Be it lush dreams or torrid nightmares.
I really don't care, as long as you are there.
That was all i had i wanted, i wanted you.