"Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage."
- Flight Facilities
If there's one thing I hoped I've learnt,
it's how to cherish.
A person, a moment, an action.
Concern, thought and love.
And trust me, i appreciate and hold dear all the time we spend together.
All the things you do for me.
Harder than i do most, because for some strange unknown reason,
every single moment feels like it could be the last.
I'm not sure what the reason behind this is,
It's uncanny, no?
Call me dramatic, most do.
But it really feels that way.
They say a girl who reads and loves to write, albeit poorly.
Has a flare for the dramatics and story weaving.
The books read, they impress upon us, how much deeper life can be.
Drives the imagination to spin out stories and fantasies.
Just to help pull away from how mediocre and mundane life can get.
Perhaps, that's why i think too much.
Get bothered too easily.
Get affected so simply.
Get hurt so readily.
You'll have to forgive me.
But no worries right there,
We'll keep moving and i'll always go forward.
With or without, i'll still keep going.
Fuck this shit.
Even alone I can burn as bright.
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.
I've never made a bet,but we gamble with desire.
I've never lit a match, with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames, are getting out of control."
-All Time Low.
I haven't felt like this in some time.
That breathless feeling, where you can't stop smiling.
No more of that nonchalance i once cultivated.
I love how i feel so deeply.
Sure getting hurt is more painful.
But feeling happy also doubles.
It's hard to explain, but here goes.
Its like every emotion and feeling possible has been amplified.
I can feel it consuming me.
And it sure as hell beats feeling nothing.
It's like that first breath of air that hits your lungs,
after being in cold, dark waters for a really long time.
It hits hard and fast,
taking your breath away even before you realize anything has changed.
But i have.
Oh change, the only constant in life.
And you're now my favorite.
Just be here, stay with me.
Don't rush, don't make this easy.
You have to mean it.
Whether to stay or to leave.
I don't want a concocted lie.
You have to mean it.
"You're always haunted by the idea you're wasting your life." - Chuck Palahniuk
My retrospection on a recent spat of nostalgia.
Once upon a night, not so long ago.
In a spinning black recliner i sat.
Clicking with strange fervency to scroll through my past into what has become my present.
Memories ingrained in what speaks a thousand words.
And i felt such bittersweet sadness.
In seeing how much I've grown, how much independence and strength I've gained.
Realizing how much wiser I've become, how I've learnt what is most important.
How to cherish the littlest of things, I smiled.
So sweet.
But looking back at how much i have lost to learn life's lesson.
It was a bitter biting taste indeed.
Old friends whom i use to spend so much time laughing and growing with.
Have grown apart.
Life pulled us apart.
New things made what we had seem less important.
Forgettable.
Of course there are always new friends.
But this is nostalgia. And god there are so many people that i miss.
I keep their photos on my wall.
In hopes that one day we relive our youthful mischief and lousy calls.
The innocence and naivety i once had that allowed happiness to come so simply.
That i miss too.
The ability to give yourself so freely without guard or suspicion.
That i miss a lot.
With all this lost, everything that was once so magical and amazing seem to have lost their spark.
Mediocrity.
Little by little, all that was lovely slip through the cracks and fall into mediocrity.
It is so sad.
But not love i hope.
I hope life has given me the courage to still love fiercely, with reckless passionate abandonment.
There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.
Sometimes putting up a brave front is a terrible thing.
When people think you're strong or brave.
They think it's ok to hurt you.
Because you can take it, because you will bounce back.
But i'm not brave anymore
They broke me.
The walls they rise up high, my guard is up.
Everything that was so easy before, now seems so hard to accomplish.
I'm more afraid than ever to trust.
And i'm tired.
Somehow i feel as if I'm stuck on a ride.
The ups are so high, so wonderful, i feel my breath being taken away.
But when it drops, so low, cold and harsh, i feel the wind knocked right out of me.
Insecurities.
I'm not sure where all of this stem from.
But i know they're real.
They haunt me, especially at times when the mind is weak.
When logic leaves me in a state I detest and fear so much.
I'm terrified that my own thoughts and feelings will ruin everything.
To me you're like serendipity.
Something amazing that fell right into my life when i wasn't looking.
If you stand in my shoes and look at you through my eyes.
Even for a moment, it will all make sense.
And perhaps everything will be so easy.
Because you'll see that all i want is real simple.
Not gifts, not money, not stature, not fancy dates.
I can probably sum it up in one word.
Time.