Choosing to walk away was one of the hardest choices I ever made.
Doing it just nearly killed me.
And everyday I just die a little inside,
Second guessing and wondering if I would be happier otherwise.
I remember realising I wasn't strong enough for another goodbye with you.
And in retrospect I guess that was kinda right.
Things would have been disastrous if I had stayed the way you wanted me to right?
That's what keep telling myself anyway.
Even from such a distance, watching you love someone else is hell on Earth.
I can't imagine if things were otherwise.
I saw you as the most amazing person ever.
I thought you were the greatest thing that I stumbled upon.
The best of serendipity.
Don't get me wrong.
It was hard being with you.
But it was so worth it.
Having you made me feel like the sun will never stop shining.
Kept my heart feeling inspired.
And every moment took my breathe away.
Basically all the cliche crap you read in novels.
I never thought I would ever feel like this.
I remember thinking how in the world did I get so lucky,
to have someone like you to call my own.
But it was short- lived.
Perhaps I am not meant to be that happy.
But now I am stuck.
I am still here, rooting for you.
I stayed waiting for you.
Although I am not sure what I am waiting for.
Not in the sense that I'm hoping for your change of heart.
I've seen enough to know that the one you love may not always love you back.
But rather just being in the background,
Praying you'll stay this happy.
Trying to be there if you need me.
I miss having my own dreams and aspirations.
Knowing what I want.
Having the drive and motivation to give chase.
But I seem to have lost it all.
It's like nothing works without you
I keep telling myself I just need more time.
But why don't things feel at least a little better?
I have made no progress.
I see the worry in their eyes.
Do I look that bad?
Is my facade so poorly constructed that everyone sees right through it?
I don't know what else i can possibly do.
I can only keep walking.
Keep going and trust that the clockwork will make time pass.
That eventually with time passing I'll get use to this.
It's funny, on some of my weaker days.
I'll keep asking myself,
Why wasn't I good enough?
What did I do in our time together that will make you treat me so cruelly?
Funny because I have always been the type the believe in moving on.
And now I'm the type of girl I use to give advice to.
I'm the one that can't stop loving you.
I sought the me that was independent of you.
With each day, i force myself through the drudgery that has now become my life.
Not that my life is boring or isn't great.
In fact, i am an ungrateful bitch blessed with so much.
And yet happiness just eludes my grasp.
I can't sleep, I can't enjoy or have fun.
And its not for a lack of trying.
I am trying really hard.
I feel so tired all the time and yet insomnia refuse to let me go.
Sleep it seems is also being elusive.
I feel my own body collapsing.
I wonder how much longer this will last.
A terrifying thought always echos though.
What if this isn't transient.
And it just keep going.
Going and going that i eventually just accept it as a norm.
Until it just fits itself into routine.
I'll just get use to it.
I feel as empty as the endless vacuums in space.
I have nothing to offer.
I'll give so much to feel pain outside of this.
Never has falling into an endless sleep sounded so tempting.
How am i suppose to save myself from this?
Its always better to love something that can love you back.
Well that much is obvious.
Which begets the question.
How does one choose that?
Won't it be great if i could just accept the ones who love me and love them back.
Can i just stop, is there some mysterious device hidden in the deep recesses of my heart and mind.
An elusive switch that can help me flip everything off?
Its like cupid is out there mocking me.
Taking jabs and even stabs at me.
I feel so,
forgotten.
So completely forgotten by the one i cannot forget.
Not even for a day.
I know i sound like a childish, immature whiner.
But i am honestly so tired.
I feel like i have really exhausted all my means.
Trying to be happy the way i was.
Each day spent trudging through, doing so many thing.
Going to so many places, yet it all feels like nothing.
When did it become such a huge labyrinth?
What do i want?
Why don't i know anything anymore?
But i guess there is one thing i know.
I know he doesn't want me around.
I just want to know when he needs me so i can be there.
But aside from that, its alright if he is happy.
And it seems to me, he is really happy.
So i guess its back to clock work.
Watching the hands go by.
Time after all waits for no man.
I'm not even sure about what i am writing anymore.
My paradigm shift.
A wandering mind that always circles back to you.
In many ways, it's true, it's not the end of the world.
But after this two months,
I cannot help but admit.
You may not be my whole world.
But you've found your way right into the center of it.
All my independence, control, facade of happiness I built for myself?
They all just fall apart.
In one instant, all it took was you.
But nothing was exchanged.
Cause everything feels irrevocably broken.
And nothing that i say or do can bring me back to my dying days.
"Lets be nothing, I've heard that can last forever."
It seems like too much is going on in my life now.
Brain has been on overdrive.
Thinking about living, thinking about dying.
How it all seems meaningless yet trying to grasp a tight hold on life.
To make the moments meaningful.
It's all one big pseudo- philosophical blur.
Seeing love that makes me believe.
Seeing lies that make me despair.
Falling for you, falling for me.
Somehow all the thoughts and events all seem to swirl around.
And yet it still all comes back to you.
How did one person manage to capture me so completely?
I can only conclude that time is no definitive measure.
Some time ago there existed a me that was independent of you.
In time to come will I find that self back?
I have to right.
It goes beyond being nice.
Maybe this time it'll be my turn to be the liar,
whether it means anything to you.
maybe it is time I broke my promise.
When that day arrives I'll apologize.
I am sorry I lied about forever.
But not yet, for now I hold on,
I'll be there for you no matter what.
Living under this delusional concept that I can take it all.
That I can do it all to please everybody.
Watched "The art of getting by" and "It's kind of a funny story" recently.
Very hipster- ish and coming of age movies.
Gets your thoughts reeling and shit.
If i had held the pen to our story.
I will love to write us a different ending.
A better script, a better play.
Essentially I'll write us into forever.
But for us, right from the very beginning, you held the pen.
And I merely a part of the paper.
Need some clarity and direction.
For some sense to miraculously emerge from this murky confusion.