"I would die for you, but i won't live for you."
- Stephen Chbosky
It brings about a wry smile to know.
That the best dreams I have are the ones where I am dying.
Like I'm dying of happiness, like I'm dying of broken- ness.
Take me back to where I could feel like I was dying.
Perhaps back to wrestling under the sheets.
Where i'll hurt myself (nose),
And you'll wipe the tears that spring from pain,
or fear of being too happy.
Alot of thoughts and feelings are self- indulgent.
Just because they are there.
It doesn't mean you'll have to care.
Only if you want to.
Only if you do.
Why do you write?
Thats an interesting question i stumbled upon today.
It got me thinking for a bit.
I would say to keep my thoughts in line.
To aid with logic and staying sane.
Putting down my thoughts and feelings in words.
It helps me remember,
memories that mean a lot, how i felt about something/someone at one point of my life.
I don't want to forget.
Its perhaps my little way of capturing moments.
Sometimes its even better than pictures.
Cause with pictures i see what happened at the time.
With words i reconcile with how i felt at that point of my life.
It aids with processing too.
Reading my own documented thoughts.
It help me sieve through all that dramatic bull crap i enjoy tormenting myself with, to figure out some way to go forward.
I'll be the first to admit, I have the tendency to let my emotions get the better of me.
So just plonking down all the emotions and touchy- feel-ly bull crap helps me get my head together.
So i can get to the root and make a somewhat sounder decision.
Or at least i hope it's sounder.
So there is alway an obvious pattern.
When i have it all, when life is beyond smooth- sailing.
You'll see tumble weeds lolling about this pages.
When shit hits.
This pages gets more attention than a slut on ladies night.
Just some ideas i was toying around in my head today.
Seems like too much crap is happening around me.
Need to write more to actually remember.
On a bleaker note,
Yes BLEAKER.
It seems to me that supposedly good intentions and good virtues.
Are worth lesser and lesser this days.
What kind of fucked up twisted shit place are we living in?
Its hard to keep faith in humanity and believe in people with what i have seen lately.
Now its my turn, I really need to remember.
You should probably know this though.
I will do anything for you.
"You went out every night
And baby that's alright
I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side
Cause Ima ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit, at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more-but that's not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancin' all night
Then they took you away- stole you out of my life
You just need to remember"
~ Lana Del Rey, Blue Jeans.
Incidentally i should really stop listening to Lana Del Rey.
Does me no good, and honestly all this wallowing is getting boring.
Back to business.
You are not that.
How can you even say that?
You mean so terribly much to me.
Why can't you see this awesome person that you are?
The you that i see.
I hated reading what you said.
I think i've said it too many times before.
But i wish so bad that you could stand in my shoes and see the you that i see.
Its not about looks, physicality or papers or money.
Its who you are.
I never stopped believing in you.
Not even after everything that happened.
I still believe that you are that amazing person i fell for.
still do probably.
Do you think i'm stupid?
I think secretly many people probably do.
I honestly am not sure what i am doing.
Maybe this will not last.
I wish we could sit down one day.
Just the two of us.
Have a nice long talk, and perhaps we can come to some kind of agreement?
Or i guess we can keep it this way.
Go and be happy however you can.
I still want that the most.
It's said that the world is all that more beautiful,
that life is all that more worth living when someone loves you.
Well, if you still trust me.
I can promise you, i do.
Foolishly, hopelessly, but faithfully so.
Transient.
That can be said of many things in life it seems.
New things keep coming and the old keep going.
It seems like as much as we try to make ourselves feel important.
To make something have so much meaning.
Time robs us of it, it slowly erodes it, much like the waves with writings on sand.
Humans, we keep striving to live meaningfully, to be remembered.
But for what really?
Time sweeps by and steals it all away no matter what.
In 10 years, in 50, in a 100 in a 1000 years?
In the end everything fades into nothing, doesn't it?
All things significant, become insignificant.
What am i striving for?
I'm not sure where this random thoughts popped up from,
but perhaps i've seen too many people treating others like they are insignificant.
Or perhaps i've witness too many endings lately.
But i am starting to lose grip on my own realities.
I feel numb and empty about everything.
It is vaguely familiar, this place i am now at.
I somehow remember it.
Like a not too distant dream you just woke up from.
Hazy, yet there, but somehow you can't seem to grasp its full picture.
I'm living, but i don't feel there.
Its like watching my own life play by play from the stands.
In an apathetic, distant manner,
piqued with mild curiosity and yet filled with vague nonchalance.
Going through the motions day by day.
Accepting sadness, happiness, anger, annoyance whatever emotions.
But yet i don't seem to really feel it.
Like i am in this constant drunken stupor.
Numbing to the senses.
Is this some kind of protective mechanism?
Am i trying to save myself?
I don't feel myself doing this consciously.
I don't feel much of anything really.
I cry, i smile, i yell, i laugh.
But it all seems halfway there.
Am i missing something?
I miss the day when things were simpler.
I'm not sure where or what i am trying to get at with this.
This could all possibly just be random ramblings of a tired mind.
Its not exactly cohesive or coherent.
Perhaps one day i'll peruse this and it will all make sense.
But for now nothing does.
So i guess maybe I'll just keep going.
And by some stroke of sheer luck, or predestined fate.
Everything will be illuminated.
Eat, sleep, work, dance and study.
That should be easy, like clockwork.
A Trip Down Memory Lane
Hello there,
Did I ever tell you thank you?
The reason I miss you, it's because of how happy you made me feel.
Today I was at that frog porridge place at geylang.
And I remember how we met there the night you came back from Thailand.
On the very day you return, you travel all the way down to meet me there from home.
Thank you for that.
I'll like to remember that as the day where things begin.
Whatever you want to call the thing between us.
Maybe it was insignificant to you.
Maybe I was nothing special.
But I remembered how we texted everyday whilst you were away.
And how you'll make an effort to contact me no matter how tired you were.
I remember how you said you miss messaging me while I was in HK.
Because I didn't have 3G over there.
Perhaps it was all circumstantial, but it was nevertheless real to me.
Thank you for making me feel special.
For taking me to cute places to eat because I love food.
For buying porridge all the way to my place when I was sick.
For
acceding to my ice cream cravings at ungodly hours.
For helping me buy supper for my family.
For always getting me home safe through all those late nights.
For letting me run and hide away with you when I'm sad.
For alway doing cute things to cheer me up.
Yes all the teasing and annoying me works to make me smile.
You had me at the palm of your hand love.
For planning the Bangkok trip.
For taking care of me there.
For the pretty rose.
For all the snacks and candy from Japan.
For camping in the hotel lobby to text me.
For telling me that you thought of me everyday while you were there.
Thinking to yourself " Will Tiffany like this?"
For the time you let me sleep on your lap when I got too high.
For catching me every time I fall.
For the drunken text and call telling me I was special.
That you wanted me to wait for you because you were still hurt from your past.
For the truths and the confessions.
For showing me your insecurities, even though it was only that one time.
For being openly affectionate with me in front of the girls I were insecure about.
For dancing with me and looking at me like I was the only one, at mink that very same night.
For trying to calm my nerves by alway telling me where you were going and who with.
For sharing your life with me as much as you can.
And so much so much more.
I know you have your troubles with trustingBut I would never hurt you or betray you.
And I hope somday you'll remember that you can love someone.
That your can trust someone.
That the right girl you chose will love you for who you are rather than what you have.
Life is always good to me, and I hope it's good for you too.
I'm a really lucky girl, I have many who love me so dearly.
With that I have love to give.
And you I truly love, whether you believe in it or not.
I hope you're happy, I really do.
The End?