People act like it's(sex) the most important thing humans do, but come on.
How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do.
I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them?
Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not that important.
You know what's important?
Who would you die for?
Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for even though you don't even know why he needs you?
- John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson.
God i love the last two lines.
But of course also the whole essence of the paragraph.
I hope you realize that you deserve someone better than great.
I think i have a better gauge of how i am feeling now.
Its like this.
Everyday something lovely happens.
I'll meet a friend or many friends,
hear a great song,
catch a hilarious show,
watch a heart- felt movie,
read an inspirational quote,
peruse well- written book,
hug my family,
enjoy a cup of great tea,
take a nice long drive,
cook a delicious meal for someone i love.
The simple things.
They make me smile for real.
Put me back together just briefly.
Right before i completely fall apart all over again.
Daily cycle.
Give me a damn break alright,
just cause you decided to give up on us,
and put an end to everything.
Doesn't mean i can just switch off how i feel.
It didn't terminate right there for me.
I still love you in the most unfortunate of ways.
So yeah fine, its not your fault, its not their fault.
But i just wished everyone will back off.
Stop telling me he is not worth it.
Stop telling me to JUST get over him.
It doesn't happen like that.
This so called ''failed'' relationship changed me.
And i am not the way i was.
I can't throw him away the way i did with the others.
Something is different about me.
And i can't go back.
I get your good intentions.
But they are draining me.
I'm being selfish and so so so damn self- indulgent,
and i am probably just digging my own grave here.
But i just need to be.
Its my fault, i get that.
I knew right from the start that he was trouble in his own way.
I knew the odd were against me.
But i dived right in anyway.
Recklessly, kinda idiotic if you think about it.
But sometimes you just need to do that.
Just jump right off the cliff and get the hell out of your comfort zone.
That is when you change the most, feel the most.
Yeah i'll admit i'm being a major loser now.
I miss him everyday.
And it fucking hurts everyday.
It basically sucks.
But he was worth it to me.
Sure, 6 months is short.
But i think that was the happiest relationship i had.
There's so much worth remembering.
And i never stop smiling when i reminisce.
He is really special and pretty spectacular.
I wish you could all see what he means to me.
And i hope she knows how lucky she is to have everything that i miss.
I feel tired all the time.
But sleep eludes me.
whenever i try to get to bed.
My brain goes on overdrive.
All the thoughts all the memories.
Its like flashy neon lights blinking all over the place.
Out of control and hard to grasp fully.
And when that extreme fatigue i work for finally takes over.
I wake up wishing i didn't.
Cause nothing changed. i'm still feeling this way.
I never was the type that wanted to die.
But right now, i so wished that i didn't have to live.
Having someone shake you up so drastically.
Its changes you.
And i just don't know where to go from here.
Often, I'll toy with the idea of quitting it.
But I haven't been able to do it.
And always, I'm too afraid to admit it.
Completely captivated.
In the worst ways.
“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I'd like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You can't disappoint me”― Mary Haskell
I need to write to feel better.
All this thought swirling in my head is driving me over the edge.
I love the work i do.
But sometimes the things i see.
They hit a little too close to home.
I watched a daughter made the choice to let her mother go.
To not do anything and let her mother die.
She sought comfort from me.
Asking if her mum knew that she was letting her die.
She ask me if her mum can hear her.
Medical answers, that's all i could give.
Our job teaches us not to get too emotionally involved.
To give compassion but never submerge yourself into it.
It clouds professional judgement.
But this one like i said, was just too close to home.
I never had to make such a choice, thank God.
The people i love are all healthy and alive.
But i remember that feeling that was so similar.
To want to make that last moment last forever.
We were at Relish and i remembered thinking to myself the whole night.
Make this happy, don't cry, don't break, don't give it away,
Give us one happy dinner together,
I tried, but it weighed so heavily on my heart.
The food didn't even taste right.
All i saw and felt was you.
And i had wished so hard for time to slow down, that my night could last forever.
Because i knew i could never have you the same way after that.
But what could i do aside from letting go.
You weren't happy with me.
I could only let you go to someone whom you would be happy with.
I tried to stretch time.
I ate slowly, i walked slowly.
I held your hand as long as i could.
I gave us one last kiss.
Because it was goodbye after that.
The moment the doors shuts, when day breaks i will be alone.
I have to start over alone.
Every second that slipped passed,
I could literally feel my heart breaking with each beat.
But thank you for saying that you didn't want to lose me too.
Thank you for letting me feel like i meant something and that you cared.
Why did i let myself fall so hard for someone i could not be with?
I am so sad.
Everything is just a vague illusion.
A feeble attempt to mask how completely broken i feel.
I'm starting to get scared.
I feel myself getting worst.
I can't sleep,
I have to force myself to eat.
I sometimes even forget.
I lose focus.
I space out.
I spend money without thought,
I drive recklessly.
Anything just to numb the thoughts for a while.
Sometimes when they remind me how much they love me.
I'll feel better for a while and i'll think that maybe things are starting to get better.
But that never last for long.
I feel scared and lost.
And i cannot tell anyone.
Everybody is so disappointed in me already.
Why am i not handling this better, at my age, why can't i just get a grip.
Everything is my fault.
All my own fault and doing.
Somebody help me please.
It feels like i'm drowning.