I miss my boyfriend.
Not that he is far away or distant.
I just miss the person he was.
The sweet caring guy.
full of laughter and fun.
Who really loved me so much and wasn't afraid to show it.
Who was happy to have me, and proud that i was his.
Who never failed time and time again to remind me i was never allowed to leave him.
That he would never leave me.
The one who made me feel like I was irreplaceable.
Who was open, had no secrets.
Who cherished me and really "sayang" me.
Who he is now, hurts me all the time.
Insensitive.
Callous.
Nonchalant.
Harsh.
Critical.
Snappy.
I feel so optional.
I never pretended to be anyone else,
I forewarned you of my insecurities and the reassurance i needed.
I asked you time and time again if you are sure.
I'm so sick of shedding tears alone.
And i am so tired of trying to tell him how i feel.
Because he doesn't want to listen.
He doesn't even care if i were to leave,
Dismay. Sad. Disappointed.
Come back.
It matters not our close proximity.
You are still miles and miles away.
You don't see me at all.
Still feeling overlooked.
What is it about me that makes me unworthy of your attention?
I am invisible.
I want many things in life.
I want money, a career, a happy family, great health and happiness for all my love ones.
I want love, happiness, fulfillment.
A whole load of crap really.
But what I've come to realize recently is i want more out of my relationship.
More of everything really.
More sincerity, more intrigue, more love, more honesty.
More humor, more alone time, more dates.
More fun, more adventure, more sensitivity.
More kisses, more hugs, more intimacy.
More of you.
There is one thing i can do less with,
it would be great if there were less secrets and/or secrecy between us.
I just wished things would be more carefree,
and that i was a greater priority in your life.
You use to want me everywhere in your life, now i just feel so redundant.
What happened?
Everything use to be so fun and full of love with you.
I miss that.
Feels like its been so long,
since i felt wanted.
Thats what i want now.
Intimacy, show me that you want me.
That i am still the girl that captures your every desire.
That i am more than just company.
I just need to feel that once again,
that you are still as crazily in love with me.
And can't keep your hands to yourself.
I need affection, to feel close to you.
I wanna try this.
Looks like it could be fun, romantic and amazing.
With
you of course.
What is this feeling??
Like everything is just falling apart
Slowly but steadily slipping out of my fingers.
And yet everything is still.
Unmoving.
Exactly where it should be.
All one could ever need.
In place.
So why is it that I still feel so empty?
Your birthday came and left.
A whole year has come to pass.
I had wanted to bring you new laughter everyday.
But it was not meant to be.
I had once thought i would never recover.
But I've found a whole new sanctuary.
He helped fixed what i allowed you to break.
And now our paths are diverged.
All of a sudden, i realize just how gone you are.
From everything to nothing.
Seems like a hard lesson to learn.
No one is ever irrevocably needed.
Not me for you, not you for me it seems.
But i am ok, i hope you are too.
I hope you are better than ok.
May we both keep on living.
Oh, Happy Birthday.
