I need to write to feel better.
All this thought swirling in my head is driving me over the edge.
I love the work i do.
But sometimes the things i see.
They hit a little too close to home.
I watched a daughter made the choice to let her mother go.
To not do anything and let her mother die.
She sought comfort from me.
Asking if her mum knew that she was letting her die.
She ask me if her mum can hear her.
Medical answers, that's all i could give.
Our job teaches us not to get too emotionally involved.
To give compassion but never submerge yourself into it.
It clouds professional judgement.
But this one like i said, was just too close to home.
I never had to make such a choice, thank God.
The people i love are all healthy and alive.
But i remember that feeling that was so similar.
To want to make that last moment last forever.
We were at Relish and i remembered thinking to myself the whole night.
Make this happy, don't cry, don't break, don't give it away,
Give us one happy dinner together,
I tried, but it weighed so heavily on my heart.
The food didn't even taste right.
All i saw and felt was you.
And i had wished so hard for time to slow down, that my night could last forever.
Because i knew i could never have you the same way after that.
But what could i do aside from letting go.
You weren't happy with me.
I could only let you go to someone whom you would be happy with.
I tried to stretch time.
I ate slowly, i walked slowly.
I held your hand as long as i could.
I gave us one last kiss.
Because it was goodbye after that.
The moment the doors shuts, when day breaks i will be alone.
I have to start over alone.
Every second that slipped passed,
I could literally feel my heart breaking with each beat.
But thank you for saying that you didn't want to lose me too.
Thank you for letting me feel like i meant something and that you cared.
Why did i let myself fall so hard for someone i could not be with?
I am so sad.
Everything is just a vague illusion.
A feeble attempt to mask how completely broken i feel.
I'm starting to get scared.
I feel myself getting worst.
I can't sleep,
I have to force myself to eat.
I sometimes even forget.
I lose focus.
I space out.
I spend money without thought,
I drive recklessly.
Anything just to numb the thoughts for a while.
Sometimes when they remind me how much they love me.
I'll feel better for a while and i'll think that maybe things are starting to get better.
But that never last for long.
I feel scared and lost.
And i cannot tell anyone.
Everybody is so disappointed in me already.
Why am i not handling this better, at my age, why can't i just get a grip.
Everything is my fault.
All my own fault and doing.
Somebody help me please.
It feels like i'm drowning.
