There is always an infinite depth to a person.
You can never know enough.
We're such volatile and fickle beings.
Even if you think you know them now,
there is always more to discover tomorrow.
Change being the only constant.
But as it is, i believe in you.
You will have everything you want.
And i know you'll make in.
And i hope we make that dinner when you do.
I have unlearn somethings about myself recently.
I've come to terms with how much you changed me.
We all have our exceptions.
And I thinks it's time i take some form of hiatus.
Seems like this digital diary of mine is not as innocuous as I had thought.
I've had a tough time coping.
Because I can't let go but yet I can't fight to keep you.
And not being able to make a choice and work from there just left me hanging.
Hanging and perhaps falling.
You know that feeling I've so often described.
Like watching your own life pan out from the outside.
I admit that all this is my fault because I just couldn't give up on you.
And that's not how i usually work.
I've always been the moving on type.
The fuck them of they don't know how to cherish you type.
Where if you gave up in me, I'll walk away to find myself independent of you.
I played that very well.
But like I said, you found your way into becoming my exception.
My 'fight or flight' response has been on overdrive.
This so called "change" in me has trigger something very inherent.
This change was "unacceptable" to my mind.
And tittering between fight or flee has drained me to the end of my tether.
I think I'll like to just disappear for awhile.
I don't want to stay depress.
My own thoughts and grieve is starting to scare me.
My own behavior has started to appall even me.
So it's time for that arduous toil.
I have to believe I can do this.
This downward spiral has to end.
I have to cope.
It's either do or die.
And I have too much going for me to die.
In truth I am tired of living.
I have contemplated some shameful tragic thoughts.
But perhaps this is my turnaround.
My escape from the labyrinth.
My fresh beginning to search for that feeling of being infinite.
Please accept my apologies for using so many cheesy book quotes.
But their words seem to fit like a charm.
I miss being the happier person I was.
So I guess in many ways I've failed.
And I've been hiding.
Terrified of participating in love, in life.
On the one hand i am ashamed at how far i let myself fall.
And even more than that, i am scared.
Petrified.
That if i am happy again than i stand the chance of losing all that.
The way it felt to lose you.
I'll rather be numb, stay alone.
But it is definitely time to change.
Let reality hit me like soap in my eyes,
like acid burning on raw skin.
May it hurt enough to wake me up.
Its time to be brave and try.
Try or die.
And that is quite literal here.
So wish me luck.
And to all of you who care.
Thank you.
Please don't give up and keep walking with me.
I promise to stop pushing everyone away.
And try.
Be it lush dreams or torrid nightmares.
I really don't care, as long as you are there.
That was all i had i wanted, i wanted you.
